Great Expectations
by The Werewolf Mage
Summary: The Marauders perform the Dickens classic Great Expectations in front of the whole school. And, as we all know, it's not the same. Rated because of language and stupidity.


Title: Great Expectations.

Summary: The Marauders perform the Dickens classic Great Expectations in front of the whole school. And, as we all know, it's not the same. Rated because of language and stupidity.

A/n Blame te episode of South Park. I have it on DVD and figured if they could mess it up, I might be able to mess it up worse. So, if you liked it and don't like it being made fun of, click the back button.

Character List:

(I know I left some out, but I most likely won't need them.)

James as Pip

Lily as Estella

Remus as Herbert Pocket

Sirius as Magwitch (the Convict)

Peter as The Narrator

Celeste as Miss Havisham

Snape as A drunken lawyer (Or, Mr. Jaggers)

Lucius as Joe

Peter walked onstage and sat in an armchair. "Oh, hello. I'm a British person. Today, we shall tell you the timeless Dickens classic, Great Expectations. By the time we're through, you'll know the classic as if you had read it front to back, including the cliffnotes."

James walked out onto the stage, dressed in rags. He headed over to a pair of plastic headstones. "Hello, Mum and Dad. I'm fine. Sister loves to smack me around, as always." A rustle sounded offstage. "Hello?" James called.

Sirius stepped toward James, wearing a Muggle prison uniform.

"I say, you're an escaped convict!"

"No shit, sherlock."

"Here, let me break those horrid shackles." James said, pulling a wirecutter out of nowhere and "freeing" Sirius. "And, have my lunch, while you at it!"

Sirius went to go offstage, stopped, grabbed James, and started to shake him. 'IF YOU EVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS, I'LL RIP YOUR ARMS OFF AND STUFF 'EM UP YOUR ARSE!" he shouted. James nodded, frightened.

James ran "home", where he met up with Lucius, dressed as a blacksmith. "Joe, when are you going to give up this blacksmith game? You are not a blacksmith. You are a highclass whore."

"When you get a damn job!" Lucius shouted.

"I have a job!"

"What is it, then?"

"I entertain little girls."

"You're a highclass whore, too?"

James just sighed and headed off to a "mansion". "Hello, Estella." he called.

Lily appeared, dressed in elegant clothes. "Hello, you pile of bat droppings." she called.

"How is Miss Havisham?"

"Old, miserable, and crazy." Lily sighed. "This way." she led him around to yet another set, which was covered in cobwebs, had a rotten cake in the middle of a table, all the clocks were stopped, and Celeste was waiting in a faded wedding gown.

"Hello, old, miserable, and crazy Miss Havisham."

"Hello, Pip. Do you... love... Estella?" Celeste asked.

"God, what is this? 'Twenty questions'?" James asked.

"Go wait for me outside." Lily said, heading offstage to change outfits.

"Can do." James muttered, heading out to a rose garden, where he met Herbet Pocket.

"Would you like to play? We'll have a gay old time, and I do mean "gay" as "jolly good" and not as "penetration of the bum"!" Remus said, talking quite fast.

"Have you got some type of disease, or something?" James muttered.

"I have Attention De... ooh! Look! A butterfly!"

James backed away slowly and rushed back home. "Hello, Joe."

"What, back so soon?" Lucius asked.

"Yes, I am."

Just then, Snape staggered onstage, carrying an empty whiskey bottle. "I am a lawyer... and I am here... for Peep." Snape drunkly said, then collasped on the floor.

"'Peep'? Oh, you mean 'Pip', right?" Lucius asked.

"Yeah, that too." Snape groaned.

"Pip, you go with this drunken man, who I don't know. He'll get you edumacated, or something."

"OK!"

Exit, stage-left. James reappears stage-right, holding luggage and whistling to himself. "Right. Here's where I meet my roommate and, I get smarter?" he asked himself.

Remus jumped from behind the door. "Boo! Did I scare you?"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" James shrieked, smacking him with his luggage. "RAPE! SEXUAL HARASSMENT!"

"OW! Whiplash!" Remus cried.

"I didn't hit your neck." James fussed.

"I mean ASS whiplash." Remus muttered, snatching James bags and tossing them on the couch. "Dinner time."

They seated themselves at the table. "Pocket, my new friend whose name I learned just now, tell me, what is Miss Havisham's deal?" James said, his mouth full of chicken.

"As I will, Mister Pip, but, I must point out, if one wants to be a gentleman, one must not speak with one's mouth full at the dinner table."

"Sorry."

"Not at all, I'm sure. Anyway, as you can tell, Miss Havisham is a crazy old broad. She was set to marry some guy, and he broke it off with her, twenty minutes before the wedding. And now, Pip, I must break off to tell you one should not drink from one's tumble as if one were a dog!"

"Sorry about that."

"Not at all, I'm sure. Anyway, she stopped the clocks at that time, you see, and never changed out of her dress. Never bathed again, either."

"So THAT'S that horrid smell."

"Exactly. And I conclude by telling you, one should not attempt to burp the alphabet at the dinner table!"

"Sorry."

"Not at all, I'm sure!"

Peter now interjected as yet another set and costume change was taking place. "Ah, you see. Our fine little ragamuffin has become a proper gentleman. Let's watch what happens next." he pulled a giant foam hand out from under the chair, which read "GO PIP! PIP #1!" and put it on his hand.

It seemed like years had gone by. James had now become manly Pip. "Now, Pocket. Am I charming enough to win the fair Estella's heart?"

"You seem like it."

"Yay!"

"Yay, indeed. Now, let's go get her from Miss Havisham!"

"Huzzah!"

James and Remus rushed back to the mansion set, giggling insanely. "Oh, Estella!" James called.

"You've come to take my Estella away from me?" Celeste asked.

"Yup, you crazy old bitch."

"NEVER! I WON'T LET YOU! ROBOT MONKEYS, ATTACK!"

James and Remus looked at each other. "Robot... Monkeys...?"

Robot monkeys jumped onto the stage, and chased James and Remus around and around, and around, and, well, around.

Lucius and Sirius burst in, carry assault rifles. "I AM RAMBO!" Sirius shouted, shooting the robot monkeys, and falling offstage due to the amazing kickback on the rifle.

"Well, that wasn't supposed to happen." James snickered.

Moments later, the stage was littered with robotic parts, and Celeste was playing dead.

"Pip rules!" Lucius began.

"Because I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels."

"No, you didn't!" Sirius said.

"Oh, yeah! Bring it, bitch!"

"I brought it, bitch. I brought it, opened it, laid it on the table and served it with afternoon tea, bitch!"

James and Sirius were soon engaged in a slap-fight.

"Bitch!"

"Whore!"

"Slut!" They shrieked at each other in high girly voices.

"AH! MY HAIR!" Sirius screeched. "I KEEL YOU!"

"Hell, and I thought Pocket was gay." Remus muttered.

"Ow!" Celeste squeaked. In the midst of their slap-fight, they had stepped on her.

"ZOMBIE!" Sirius screamed, running offstage.

"KILL IT! KILL IT!" James shouted, smacking Celeste with a frying pan.

Peter swished his wand, and shut the curtains. "And, um, there you have it. Charles Dickens Gret Expectations. Remember, I'm a British person. Good night."

A/n

Butchered and beyond. MWHAHAHA! But I still love that book. It's beautiful. And remember, they were OOC because they were doing a play-type thing.


End file.
